G.P. Bear goes to Washington
Jan 5th, 2010 by Rick Arms
“Polar Bear Manifesto”
U.S. CAPITOL BUILDING
With a bang the Senate hearing room’s double-doors suddenly flew open. A SWAT team of 12 Navy SEALs in full riot gear and body armor stormed in, knelt down and aimed their MP5 submachine guns at Grandpa.
As the SEALs nodded to each other and took aim at Grandpa’s chest, a desperate voice behind them in the hallway cried out.
“Don’t shoot,” shouted Anderson Cooper, as he and a CNN cameraman rushed in. “Not until I get the exclusive interview.”
Grandpa stayed cool. He had a dozen TV cameras pointed at him and he knew they and Anderson Cooper were his best chance to avoid being shot to death.
“Senator Franken?” Grandpa asked over his shoulder without moving a muscle. “Do you really want the whole world to see a talking polar bear killed inside the U.S. Capitol Building on live television?”
“Um, I’m not sure,” Senator Franken said, looking down helplessly at Senator Boxer’s legs, which were sticking out from under her desk. “I’m kinda new here. I’m just an ex-comedian. Um, can I check with my writing staff and get back to you on that?”
“Senator Franken!!” screeched Senator Boxer, climbing to her feet. “The answer is ‘No,’ you idiot. ‘No, we do not want the world to see a talking polar bear slaughtered in the chambers of the United States Senate.’ “
Looking at Senator Franken with a mix of pity and disgust, Senator Boxer pointed to the SWAT team.
“You people put away those disgusting guns. Mr. Bear if that is his real name poses no danger to anyone is this room. We invited him here. Although I’m sorry to say it, we owe him the chance to finish his propaganda speech on behalf of the criminal energy industry. You may continue with your lies, Mr. Bear not that it’ll do you any good.”
Grandpa smiled and winked at Senator Boxer.
“Thank you, Ma’am,” he said. “Unlike most of those who come to Washington, I did not come to ask the government for favors or special treatment for my species. I only ask that you treat us the way your Founding Fathers wanted all governments to treat their peaceful citizens.
“Don’t kill us, enslave us or torture us. Don’t steal from us or unfairly tax us. Don’t tell us which god we must pray to or how we must speak or think. Don’t make us wards of the Nanny State. Let us be free to live our lives as we wish as long as we don’t hurt anyone.
“As for ‘global climate change,’ we don’t understand what all the fuss and fear is about. The climate is always changing. It’s perfectly natural. It’s not a crisis for my species or for humans. We’ve already survived two ice ages 100,000 years long and we’ll survive the next one, which, by the way, has already started.”
“Distinguished Senators, do my species a favor. Do not place us on your Endangered Species list — or any other list. If as lawmakers you feel you must do something positive to help us, follow Thomas Jefferson’s advice and concentrate on protecting our natural rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And then leave us alone.”
When Grandpa finished no one said a word. The room was completely still.
“Clap clap clap, clap, clap.”
It was Senator Specter. He liked Grandpa’s speech so much he was giving it a standing ovation. So were Senator Inhofe and Senator Franken, who were both weeping but for different reasons. So were 11 other senators on the committee and all the people in the room everyone, except Senator Boxer.
As a dozen reporters stampeded over to interview Grandpa, Senator Boxer was already on her cell phone.
“Al,” she whimpered, “You thought ClimateGate was bad. I’ve got even worse news.”
I’m going to miss these nightly bed time stories.
Nighty, night…
A SWAT team of 12 Navy SEALs in full riot gear and body armor stormed in…
Okay, *that* is unrealistic.
There would have been six SEALs, max…
I am from the southern hemisphere so I may have got this wrong – but don’t polar bears eat SEALs?
Peter Pond (23:00:15) : I am from the southern hemisphere so I may have got this wrong – but don’t polar bears eat SEALs?
Yes, but not NAVY SEALs. They are a different species. Very hard to take down and far to tough to bite into them. Oh, and they bite back something fierce too…
Deaths from cold on a rapid rise in UK over last two winters. This winter
the three-month death toll over the current season will be higher than that.
http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/liverpool-news/local-news/2010/01/02/liverpool-pensioners-face-cold-weather-death-risk-claim-tories-100252-25507589/
If heating costs ‘necessarily skyrocket’ it will be worse.
Globally averaged temps have fallen 0.158 F since An Inconvenient Truth was released.
http://algorelied.com/?p=3469
“Don’t kill us, enslave us or torture us. Don’t steal from us or unfairly tax us. Don’t tell us which god we must pray to or how we must speak or think. Don’t make us wards of the Nanny State. Let us be free to live our lives as we wish as long as we don’t hurt anyone.
Which is the crux of the biscuit (to sort of paraphrase Frank Zappa).
That paragraph right there is what this country is about and needs to be remembered. We don’t work for the government. The government works for us. Our lives don’t belong to them, our money doesn’t belong to them and our wealth isn’t theirs to “redistribute”.
To Boxer (who is standing for re-election this year) I say, “Mind your business” and I will mind mine.
“UAH Satellite figures in for December”
http://www.landscheidt.info/?q=node/126
December 2009 down to +0.28 degrees C.
This should be made into a movie, and called “A Bothersome Reality” (Sub-titled “We’re not endangered and neither are you!”), or something like that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiXeone3R98
Mount Nyamulagira eruption.
The Met Office chief has been given a 25% pay rise (for promising that this will be a hot winter?) Source: Daily Telegraph)
It reminds me of that scene from”Madagascar” when Marty and Alex are surrounded by swat team in Grand Central, except that Marty and Alex can’t speak human.
I was really expecting his speech to end with “protect our rights to life, liberty and and the persuit of penguin snacks”
I really should get out more
Mr. Alex
“UAH Satellite figures in for December”
http://www.landscheidt.info/?q=node/126
December 2009 down to +0.28 degrees C.
So, anomaly halved. I wonder if this is the start of the big descent.
The Global Warming is the wrong conception.
I am able to demonstrate that the energy coming to the Earth is changeable in time. This variability is noticed on the Earth as the change of temperature of the atmosphere. I am writing here about the variability, which can be watched as the “Mauder Minimum” or the “Medieval Warm Period”. See:
http://sites.google.com/site/earthquakepredictionbyjac/Home/greenhouse-effect
Jacek Dunajewski
Dunajewski
I’m not quite sure why, but I am letting this through.
“Reply: I’m not quite sure why, but I am letting this through. ~ ctm”
—-
Reply: It was colorful.
Another perspective. Seems to be cooling when you change the timeline.
http://c3headlines.typepad.com/.a/6a010536b58035970c0120a7a58016970b-pi
I think the people most concerned about polar bear extinction from AGW should all adapt one apiece. Maybe open a petting zoo.
Does anybody remember the documentary about the man who lived with the grizzly bears? He thought they were harmless, too.
Thanks for another installment that illuminates the way politics really works.
Polar bears know more about their lineage than do humans, they arrived as transient brown bears at the edge of the Bering Sea about 250,000 years ago and decided they needed some evolutionary changes, like a white coat so the seals couldn’t see them as easily. They lived there happily since.
And so they became polar ‘brown’ bears. Hey we did it once, we can do it again … LOL
I had 42 degrees of global warming goodness at my house on the gulf in SWFL … We are now seriously concerned that our favorite local sport fish the ’snook’, will suffer a wide ranging die off due to the very cold local waters. A shame. When water temperature goes under about 60 degrees F the snook suffer, become lethargic, role on their backs belly up and soon die. Only the warm sun can save them, but by then they lack the strength to swim back to the shallow mud flats. Sigh … Hasn’t happened since the great die off of late 70s. Hey isn’t that when everyone was saying “the ice age is coming”…